I Don't Know What to Say

“I want to connect with people, but I don’t know what to say” is probably the most frequent response I get when I’m talking with someone about initiating contact with strangers. What do you do after you’ve smiled and offered a greeting?

In my experience, you trust the process that you’ve initiated. Sometimes the act of acknowledgment is enough. It begins with a smile and a simple greeting: Hi. Hello. Good morning. On the sidewalk, on the trail, in the superstore checkout line, going into or out of the bank. Wherever you come face-to-face with another human. Acknowledgment. I see you. It may or may not be reciprocated, but you’ve done your part. You’ve opened the door to relationship, even if it’s brief and temporary and limited to a smile and a comment about the weather. You’ve offered a kindness.

This is my experience: As you practice this simple act of acknowledgment, it becomes more spontaneous. I never know as I’m approaching someone what form the greeting will take. “Hi,” “Hello,” “Good morning,” or just “Mornin’” comes without my “choosing” it. Sometimes it’s just eye contact, a smile, and a raised hand. It’s not a formula. The trick is being relaxed and present.

When I first began practicing this new behavior, it felt forced because I was self-conscious and feared the feeling of rejection if my greeting wasn’t returned. But as I practiced through the discomfort (all growth requires a payment: stretching beyond one’s comfort zone), there quickly came a point where a response wasn’t expected or needed. It’s accepted and appreciated, but my smile and greeting isn’t withheld until I’m sure it will get a response, nor is it given in anticipation of a response. Sometimes, when the person I’m approaching is clearly avoiding eye contact and hurrying past me, I acknowledge them silently and respect their choice to avoid direct contact. Again, this happens spontaneously. “I” don’t “decide” not to speak. It’s a felt impulse.

As I emphasize in my book Smiling at Strangers, the bedrock support practice is being present to opportunities for connection. My wish, aim, intention is to offer the kindness of acknowledgment to those I meet when I’m in a public setting. To that end, I practice being present and alert for opportunities when I’m in public spaces. 

A bit of advice: Don’t judge an interaction that feels awkward. 

Last week I was walking through a park adjacent to my apartment complex on a cold December afternoon when I saw ahead of me an elderly man holding the leash of a dog that had stopped to explore something in a bush alongside the trail. The dog’s body was encased in a well-worn doggie sweater. I stopped and made a comment about the sweater. The man told me his wife made it. I didn’t know where to go next with the conversation I’d initiated, nor did he, although he was friendly and open. We exchanged a couple of brief, unmemorable comments and I continued on my way. 

Choice point: Do I beat up on myself for my “failure” to connect in a way that meets the high standards I set for myself, or rest in the “success” of having made an effort and connected with a stranger? Again, as I point out in my book, the stories we tell ourselves about what happens in our life are crucial to our future choices. If I choose a “failure story” about this incident, I’ll be less likely to interact with strangers. If I choose a “success story” about making the effort, it will grow my confidence in my ability to initiate contact with strangers in future encounters.

The goal is making connection.